An open letter to Deepika Padukone, the flag-bearer against Media Tyranny

An open letter to Deepika Padukone, the flag-bearer against Media Tyranny

Hello Deepika,

Since writing open letters is the new flavour of the season, please allow me to share a few thoughts with you, the new ray of hope for all the victimized celebrities…and more so, for being a role model for the larger cause of womanhood.

As you’re aware, there has always been this vicious love-hate relationship between celebs and media. We can debate this relationship, but let’s not make it a man-woman question. It’s less to do with dignity of women/womanhood/manhood but more about defining boundaries of this media-celeb equation.

Media and Celebs have also been perfect fodder for each other. Together they drive two of the biggest industries in the new multi-media world. Exhibitionism and Voyeurism. The success of Facebook, reality shows like Big Boss are all prime examples of such Exhibitionism and Voyeurism working hand-in-glove, in perfect tandem. The celebs exhibit, the media laps it up like a voyeur. The celebs exhibit more, the media barges in further. One fine day, the celeb suddenly develops cold feet/becomes coy/decides to spark a controversy. Or alternatively, Media forgets its boundaries and voyeuristically ventures into the personal space.

This is a larger question for media and the celebs to set their working equations right. Clearly set those terms and conditions of play. You will admit that the Peekaboos, the Oops moments, the malfunctions are not just the figments of a perverse media. But Celebs too have (at times) an equal role to play in scripting these ‘moments’. Some scripts work, some don’t. And if at times they don’t, it would be inappropriate to blame it on womanhood and lack of dignity. It will be more about certain boundaries and code of conduct not being followed – accidentally or deliberately. These are some standard perils of your job and knowing your intelligence, I am sure you are completely aware of it.  

Since it took you 7 years since your debut, to wake up and feel offended about some outrageous pics and captions, can I please encourage you to actually have the courage (and selflessness) to take this ahead full-throttle. These pics have been on the web since always (perhaps your 3G/wi-fi connection was weak earlier) with flattering/unflattering pics of you and most of your colleagues. Where were you Deepika when the media last ‘framed’ your colleague Katrina during her private moments in Ibiza? What was your stand then? 

Regardless, it’s never too late to start a revolution. Please pick the cudgels now and bring this to a logical conclusion. Please set up a new ‘Do not Publish without permission’ code of conduct between Media and the Celebs. Push for a new protocol, a bill, a law. Now that you’ve ignited this, please fight this out young lady. You owe this to all your brethren in tinseltown and to the larger cause of Womanhood! No?

Salman Khan quotted saying - "Yes, I am a Man. And I have developed a Paunch. Can't help, have been having too many home-cooked Biryanis off late. But doesn't give the media guys to feature me needlessly and disrespect my manhood! Sob, Sob!"

Deepika, to reiterate once again – this is a celebrity-media question and about the perils of your job. It is not really a womanhood question. It involves your male colleagues as well. Most of them have been under the scanner as well. As with the ‘leak’ above – their paunches have been commented upon, their wrinkles, surgeries and botox analysed, their hair transplants/wigs/weaving minutely dissected and deliberated upon, their affairs closely tracked and chronicled.

Please don’t equate Media with the lecherous men on the road who ogle, whistle and try to grope and paw without your consent. The media simply captures you in a space where you’re fully aware you’ll be clicked and shot extensively. When some of your colleagues leave for an event in their skimpy outfits (and at times conveniently missing the inner-wear), they are fully aware of the 1,000 flashbulbs awaiting their arrival. The media ain’t a perverse animal on the prowl that has planted spycams in our households or is capturing demure housewives in titillating positions while doing their household chores. The ‘Yellow’ media is simply where it is supposed to be. Covering your multiple movie promotion events and success parties.

That some of your colleagues still choose to take a risk or ‘dare to bare’ is amongst the necessarily survival skills required for your industry. For every 1 principled, sure of her-talent, dignified lady like you, there are at least 10 others, willing to compromise, dare, bare and take the short-cuts. So it’s cut-throat, cutting-edge necklines and I am sure we’re all pretty aware of these state of affairs. And hence all my admiration and encouragement for someone as independent, principled and talented as you …who has steadily created such a wonderful niche for herself  in the industry by virtue of powerhouse performances in back-to-back hits.

My only humble request to you would be to pick up the cudgels and fight as a ‘celebrity’, as a ‘youth icon’ when you think your modesty has been outraged, or some of the photography terms and conditions have not been met. Please don’t play a victim and cry ‘womanhood’ as it takes away the sheen out of all that you've achieved so far.  It also dilutes the enormity from some serious and heinous crimes being infested on women across the nation. Female infanticide, dowry deaths, khaap panchayats, child abuse, gang rapes, molestation at public places, prostitution rackets, cyber-crimes and domestic violence to name a few.

If you have lived by the dictum of ‘If you have it, flaunt it’, please be brave enough to face and fight the clicks (some flattering and some unflattering) by virtue of your ‘Youth Icon’ status and not on the crutches of ‘Womanhood’.  If not leading Media houses like TOI, I am sure you’re aware of the plethora of high-definition cameras or smart phones that will be zooming in and capturing you, their favorite celebrity for their wallpapers and screen savers. I am sure you are super-intelligent and completely aware of these risks of your job. As they say, ‘the risks that come with the territory’.

Hence Deepika if you actually decide to fight and take it up for the entire industry, fight like a true warrior. Fight for the entire industry and even your male co-stars. Fight for your principles, values and moral conduct. Fight these giant media houses (who think they are indispensable and can arm-twist any celeb) and compel them to change their business models. Not a single snap to be published without the celebrity’s formal consent to do so. Not a single cheap caption and headline either.

I am sure Deepika you have the gumption to fight this in your own capacity as a ‘gutsy celebrity’, without having to seek any further support from ‘Womanhood’. The ‘Womanhood’ already has a lot going against it in this country. I am sure we can let it focus on much larger issues plaguing the nation.

“I am a woman, and I have breasts”. “I am a man, and I have developed a paunch”. “Damn, I am a man, and I have worked hard to create a perfectly sculpted cleavage.”

I am sure you get the drift Deepika. Please leave the man-woman noise out of it. We don’t really need pseudo-feminism to fight this one out. Sheer conviction and audacity of your fight against "Not to be clicked without my consent” should suffice. Please go ahead, fight it, close it! And please do not wait for it, until your next movie is up for release. 

Yeh Jawaani….is not so Deewani! Where’s the Kahaani?

Yeh Jawaani….is not so Deewani! Where’s the Kahaani?

 

Ok so? What’s so wrong with that? That’s perfectly fine! We don’t really expect our Bollywood romcoms to have a story or anything. We have enough stories in our television for that. Be it crime shows or soaps…or hell, there are much deeper stories in our reality shows and news channels nowadays. In fact, let our Bollywood remain the way it is – breezy, frothy and brain-dead. Who cares about good scripts in the movies…when we have much better scripted IPL matches doing the rounds?

Yes, that’s a very valid argument and expectation to begin with. And most of our blockbusters do get away with this license to entertain, entertain and entertain. However, Yeh Jawaani Hai Deewani (YJHD) suffers from another big issue – damn, it’s not enough Deewani either!

YJHD. Produced by Dharma Productions, Karan Johar (of you know what fame). And directed by Ayan Mukherjee (of Wake Up Sid fame). If there is anything that should prepare (rather warn) you for the dichotomy that lies it, it are these different chalk and cheese credentials. The movie starts beautifully. It builds it up neatly and quite entertainingly. It’s all fun, games and KJo kind of feel-good mush right up till the intermission. The characters are all well-etched and perfectly set up. The situation is ripe for a take-off in the second half. And it’s an exciting crescendo that takes you right up to the highest peaks of Manali and builds your appetite for a stunning second half. Yeah Jawaani! So far, so good. We’ve enjoyed the Jawaani bit…time to make it Deewani!

However, cut to the second half and real director of the movie, Ayan Mukherjee, is summoned to wrap it up. And it’s here that the flick not just descends, or paraglides….but simply nosedives from the peaks it had attained in the first half. The wafer-thin, single sentence story is left grappling for some oxygen. It tries to infuse some energy through a couple of boisterous songs, however, not enough for a plot that has already hit a coma.

“Go follow your heart, chase your dreams…but don’t be in such a rush to not enjoy the present. Be content with what you have, sit down and enjoy the sunsets…as no matter what, you may never be able to grab it all in one life.” These are all great Good Morning messages on your WhatsApp. However, to drag a movie for 170+ minutes with these philosophies is a criminal waste of resources. It may have still made sense if there was some serious substance and conflict backing these thoughts. However, by just making it too verbose…the Jawaani is lost of all its promised Deewanapan in the second half.  

In the good ‘ol days, Bollywood love stories were all about conflict and fighting the odds against the world. Be it the rich-poor divide, the caste systems or family feuds that kept the longing lovers at loggerheads with the entire world. There have also been the love triangles, friendly sacrifices and a whole lot of confusion that have kept the love stories entangled for a long time. However, off late, the world has progressed. Good news for the lovers as the parents have become much cooler. We no longer see fuming dads or scheming moms. Caste divide, rich-poor, family feuds have all been banished for good (atleast in the cinema). Or atleast, no longer cool subjects to be woven into our picture postcard stories. Triangles – well there is only so much one can do with triangles. Isosceles, right angle or equilateral. What else? So then what are love stories all about nowadays?  

Well, we need to keep the lovers engaged for 150-odd minutes, right? And now that the external forces (zaalim duniya) has softened its stand, the lovers mess it up within themselves and their minds to create an issue when there is none. Commitment phobia, I want a career, I wanna fly, pyar dosti hai, dosti pyar hai, she’s not my type, oh! Perhaps he is gay! …just pick up any Bollywood romcom of the last decade and lovers have all but muddled it up in their minds. Damn, you are in love? You wanna marry? Just go ahead...and we’ll join the celebrations. But no, the now generation needs to keep it convoluted and philosophised for no apparent reason.

Well, YJHD is another one joining the assembly line of such rom-bores. Think about it, is the now generation actually so confused? Well, actually not! Do young people really think so much about career, love and marriages as such life altering, mutually exclusive events? Well, not at all! The now generation is much more sorted than ever before! Looking around…people are having great careers and awesome marriages, they’re shifting jobs and even careers at the drop of a hat, they’re falling in and out of love much faster than the drop of a hat…and yes they’re getting married in style without much ado. And many like Rakhi Sawant and Rahul Mahajan are even making a career out of getting married! It’s all so supercool these days!

Coming back to the movie review. YJHD is long, very long movie (and hence this long review!) It’s perfect popcorn entertainment for the first 2 hours and keeps you enthralled. The songs are already a rage and set the screen on fire. It’s not news, that Ranbir Kapoor is a super entertainer and the biggest superstar of the current lot. And he further entrenches his reputation and stardom with YJHD. Deepika is an eyesore and continues to be. With every movie, she proves that she needs to join a professional acting course…and somebody needs to start dubbing her dialogues. The surprise packet is Kalki and as always, she is a pleasure to watch. Warm presence and a superb act!

However amongst the negatives is of course the tiring length. The last 1 hour is a never-ending drag that seems to go nowhere. The movie anti-climaxes to nothingness and gives us more of Farooq Sheikh (looking terribly aged) and Tanvi Azmi for our buck. Not at all desirable. The characterisations are super-shallow (except Kalki) that keeps you wondering – So what’s the fuss all about? Ranbir Kapoor ends up coming across as a wannabe, trying to be too cool, but too confused wimpy hero. Deepika is confused in the stereotype of good, intelligent girls can’t have fun…and sobs her heart out for no apparent reason. Aditya Roy Kapoor as the best friend is the weakest link (in terms of character) and adds nothing to the story. Is he an alcoholic? Is he jealous? Is he in love? Is he a compulsive flirt? Is he a loser? Is he a great, emotional friend? Why the hell is he so sad? Is he a rich dad’s aiyyash beta?  Or is he an aiyyash dad’s misunderstood beta? What’s his damn problem? Is he….well, why was he there in the movie? Ah, there you nailed it! He is UTV’s head honcho’s brother! Got it my friend?

So YJHD is a perfect case of a project that was bankrolled in the following manner. Sign in the reigning heartthrobs Ranbir and Deepika. Check. Record some really chartbusting numbers. Check. How about adding in Make My Trip as a product placement partner? Excellent, check! Ok, can we now fit both of UTV’s honcho’s brothers in here? Oh yes, certainly, why not! Check. Ok, all done. “Now Ayan can you please summarize some cool philosophies from your email forwards and quickly put together a screenplay?”

To sum it up, YJHD is an interesting travelogue to begin with…and gives solid footage to Make My Trip. It’s great, paisa-vasool fun for the first 2 hours. However, its tail wags for too long, for too little and ends too tame. In fact, it kills the pleasure of all that was neatly set-up initially. However, feel free to walk away after the Dilli waali Girlfriend song and you won’t miss much.
 

P.S. Madhuri’s special appearance item song must be amongst her worst…and should in fact disqualify her from being a judge in Jhalak Dikhlaaja.
 

In the end, just wish that this Jawaani was a bit more Deewani & Toofani. And of course, a bit less Dee-‘YAWN’-i! Yaaaawn…Oh Kabira!

Race 2 Disappointment: A Revenge Video Game Served Cold!

Race 2 Disappointment: A Revenge Video Game Served Cold!

At its best (or worst), Race 2 is an over-stretched video game.  In one of the crucial moments in the movie, Saif quips in “Revenge is a dish, best served cold!” Same goes for Race 2 – it’s an over-cooked revenge dish that has all the meat, but is ultimately served cold.

 

Yes it certainly gets a tick against all the required check-boxes –

·         Adrenaline-pumping stunts. Check.

·         Gorgeous bodies on display. Check.

·         Unlimited bevy of beauties. Check.

·         Super cool machines getting blown away to bits. Check.

·         Mansions, palaces, yachts, stunning locales and all the lifestyle gadgets to keep the audience in awe. Check.

·         More twists than the dialogues allotted to Amisha Patel. Check.

·         Dhik-chick music that keeps it blaring and keeps up the tempo. Check.  

So you see, it’s got it all! But as indicated earlier, it somehow ends up being an over-stuffed, over-stretched, over-the-top and over-cooked video game that remains at that. A soul-less video game. It starts very well. The characters are established straightaway with great flash and without too much mumbo-jumbo about their existence. The protagonist, Saif looks a million bucks, makes a drool-entry and right away gets into the game. He sets it up beautifully, and yes, it promises to be a lip-smacking affair!

But that’s about it. It fails to move beyond that. Throughout the movie, the characters keep announcing it pretty grandiosely “It promises to be a Race to the finish. Let the action begin mate. Let’s unleash the power…”, and all those similar-sounding cool statements….you get the drift. However, sadly the movie doesn’t manage to build-up that much anticipated crescendo to the finish. To give due-credit, there is enough action and pace happening to keep you hooked right throughout. A heist involving the ‘Shroud of Turin’, a fight to death, a flying funeral and other sporty set-pieces to sustain the momentum. However, beyond a point, they serve merely as different levels of a video game that don’t mean much in terms of a rock-solid story.  Beyond a point, you just don’t care who did what and how and why?

It’s here that the movie strays from its significantly much-better predecessor, the original ‘Race’. The first instalment of this franchise had a finger licking plot of betrayal, jealousy and one-upmanship at the bedrock of all the flashy action pieces. It too had a twist-a-minute plot, but what kept it going was a very interesting plot premise. To top it, all of that was wonderfully brought together in a soul-stirring, long-lasting music. The numbers still linger on – Pehli nazar mein aisa jadoo, Zara zara touch me, Rock the dance floor, Khwab dekhe jhoothe moothe…

It’s here that Race 2 falls far short of its much celebrated prequel and a much unexpected sleeper-hit of 2008. The music of Race 2 is too lame, too tepid (despite all the template-beats  and mixing & mashing). The so-called ‘bevy of beauties’ in Race 2 are quintessential ‘blondes’ or ‘bimbettes’ in the truest sense. The troika of Deepika, Jacqueline and Amisha are too-much of cardboard cut-outs than flesh and blood heroines. Sadly, despite all the generous skin-show, the charmless female quotient of Race 2 lets it down big time! Can’t help going back to the original, in which both Katrina and Bipasha belonged to different league altogether. Yes , they had all the chutzpah, but at the same time, they were strongly-etched, and strongly portrayed  characters integral to the story.

To sum it up, Race 2 makes you sad on many accounts -

·         Sad that it took us 15 movies and half-a-dozen blockbusters to realize that both John Abraham and Deepika Padukone are all body but terrible actors. In a meaty antagonist role, John makes us realize yet again, that how tame an actor he is…and there is actually nothing more to him than those washboard abs and beefy biceps.

·         Sad that despite being much in vogue, Deepika is a hopeless actor and her terrible dialogue delivery has an innate ability to kill a good scene. Picture this, in a crucial scene, Deepika conveys this pretty calmly, flatly and mechanically – “Ranveer gaadi ke neeche speed bomb hai, hum ruka nahi sakte aur speed bhi kam nahi kar sakte.” I bet, you’ll enjoy this comic scene! In another one, before a party song, she announces, pretty vernacularly “Gaiees, it iz time to cut looze.” Guess, here’s someone who needs some English lessons from Kangana Ranaut.

·        Sad, the director-duo have decided to do away with their staple Johnny Lever in this movie. However, much sadder, that they’ve replaced him with Anil Kapoor! It’s downright cringe-worthy to see an actor of such calibre, playing an inconsequential role and indulging in crude, double-meaning sex jokes that are passé and juvenile enough to be avoided by C-grade movie makers as well.

·         Sad, that Amisha Patel, who is still an eye candy and a still a better actor than Deepika or Jacqueline, is reduced to playing a demented, sex starved secretary. A sixth-fiddle role that screams out just one thing – Amisha’s desperation to get back in movies!

If you look at it, Race 2 is not much different from Abbas-Mustan’s disastrous ‘Players’ released last year. One can copy-paste and switch a scene from one movie to another, and no one would realize! The only redeeming grace of this muddled enterprise is Saif Ali Khan. He looks smashing and binds together the entire convoluted plot with élan! As he himself proclaims, “Main is Race ka sabse puraana khilaadi hoon, aur main haar nahi sakta!” Very true, if you have to watch this Race, watch it for Mr. Khan – who is at the peak of his game!

Sadly, as in any race, there is just winner. Saif clinches the race by miles, lock, stock and barrel. He trumps! But unfortunately, movies are meant to be relay races, and our hero (as referred throughout in the movie is as well) is badly let down by rest of his teammates.

Race engrosses, occasionally entertains, will make a good amount of moolah and will eventually be a ‘Saif’ bet at the Box Office. But on the whole, it’s a much disappointing and tame affair compared to its much sleeker, much unpredictable and  much superior prequel.